End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
