So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
