Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
