I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
