I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
