So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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