JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
