our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
