I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
