Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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