When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
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Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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