the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
