quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
