Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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