def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
