If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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