my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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