I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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