Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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