This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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