just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
