i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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