Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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