I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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