i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
