I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
