Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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