He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
