I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
