I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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