i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
