How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
