I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
