Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
