Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
