if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Let's get the cat blown out
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
