I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
