This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
