I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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