I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
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Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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