My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
