i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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