I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
