So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
