I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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