I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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