im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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