Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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