i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I deserve this hangover.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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