trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
