Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
