Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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