My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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