I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
