and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
