I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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