i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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