I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
