Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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