She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think a kid would responsible me up
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
