it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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